"POWER CONCEDES NOTHING WITHOUT A DEMAND"

“Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.” 

This quote from Frederick Douglass, the 19th Century African American abolitionist, orator, newspaper publisher, and author came to my mind as I listened to Brené Brown’s important and interesting Podcast with Scott Sonenshein---Organizational Psychologist, Professor of Management, author---on the need for a different kind of leadership to champion significant organizational change.  And that naturally led me to muse about various power scenarios---specifically power over and power with---and how those simple examples of paradigms can readily clash in the powder kegs of post Pandemic workplaces.  In the aftermath of these past 2 years, people who felt oppressed in many areas of their work-life have rejected the prior status quo.  The Great Resignation is a condemnation of their former perceptions of trauma, disrespect, inequality, and domineering, toxic environments.  Leaders who are incapable of understanding the sincerity and deep-seated rage that fuels this movement do so at their peril. 

Simply put, Power over leaders seek to dominate and coerce people into performing/producing.  Power with leaders seek to engage and involve people in the work of making a difference, achieving a purpose---whatever the job itself may entail. 

A Power Over leader will want to continue to dominate, even if they try to call their style something softer, more acceptable in contemporary parlance.   But power over leaders may still have a hard time listening, really hearing what employees are saying---understanding what the noise is all about, or even believing that what they’re hearing is true.  If power over type of leaders have given employees more money, perhaps even grudgingly, and maybe even lightened up on the stress level, it’s likely they’re thinking ‘what more do they want---these employees???  They need to be thankful they have jobs at all and just quit complaining’.  Leaders who are used to dominating and not being questioned, are the ones who’ll have a hard time adjusting to the current climate---and perhaps never will.  They can’t see that their time is over any more than they can hear that what their employees are telling them is important and true. 

Power with leaders will hopefully understand that re-entry after these 2 terrible years will not be simple—will not be just a matter of returning to the old workplace and getting back in the groove.  That groove is GONE!  The old workplace may look the same but the people re-emerging from the experiences of the past 2 years are definitely NOT the same.  They’ve been changed forever and cannot be cajoled into becoming the old team again.  They aren’t the same people, even if they look the same.  Re-emerging into some form of functional unit will take a steady hand and a light touch; gentle expectations well-articulated; sincere conversations within a safe holding environment.  Everyone has been traumatized and people process trauma in many different ways. 

While it’s neither healthy nor useful to obsess about this, it’s more unwise to pretend that resuming a business-as-usual approach is the solution.  It’s not.  We’ve all experienced suffering and grief in some fashion during this time.  This should help us to understand that, while our individual experiences may be quite different, we share the common thread of universal disruption, discontinuity, loss of control, increased ambiguity, and extreme uncertainty. 

No wonder we feel off-kilter, afraid of returning to whatever seemed normal.  That former normal was based on shared assumptions---some that actually reinforced power differentials and superiority that have since been called into question; many that have fallen under the scrutiny of racial reckoning and gender fluidity; and others that simply no longer fit in a world re-emerging from an abyss and re-evaluating its social norms.

It's a time for us, all of us, to re-think how we want to BE WITH EACH OTHER, making changes that make a positive difference in the lives of all of us.  I’m looking to surround myself with people who want to be gentler, kinder, more generous, more forgiving, supportive, helpful, inclusive, and respectful.  Clearly, I’m working on being that kind of person myself. 

Organizations take on the persona of the people who work there.  Tyrannical leaders who oppress and abuse their employees stifle rather than liberate positive energy to achieve great things.  The future is in cooperation, collaboration, and communication to collectively discover and create as yet unimagined wonders. 

# BrenéBrown  #ScottSonenshein  #powerwithleadership  #organizationalchange  #authenticleadership  #transformationalleadership  #FrederickDouglass

Post written February 22, 2022

As the glorious rising sun gently shares its rosy glow with the Southeast sky, effortlessly adding its golden hue into the mix, I contemplate my future.  7 days hence, I’ll fly to San Francisco, not for my usual visit but to stay—to live near my sons and their families----Adam and Jaimi, Jesse age 21, Katie age 20, and Nina age 23 (who currently lives in NYC but will visit often); and Jud and Samantha, Fletcher age 13 and Storey soon to be 11---- and multiple dogs rounding out the picture. 

As a New Englander by birth and generally by preference, I’ve also lived in many places during my life—New Hampshire, Germany, Arizona, Connecticut, North Carolina, Texas, New Mexico, and Massachusetts---but it took the Pandemic to make me realize that people---my family especially---are more important than place and that visits are nice but no substitute for being there, at least not for me.

So, the movers who packed my stuff yesterday will load it all into a truck today and it will eventually head to California---one more place to add to that list.  I’ll follow by plane a week later.  I’ll leave family and dear ones on this coast, and that’s hard because people ARE more important than place.  But fortunately, planes fly west to east too. 

I’m starting a new life.  While this will be a rather soft landing for me since my sons and their families are there and I’ve visited them in San Francisco for 20+ years, I’ve only lived in a big city once before in my life---that would be Boston for one year after I graduated from nursing school and worked at Beth Israel Hospital.  And now I’m moving from a lovely rural area that’s quiet and gentle and has NO traffic to speak of.  With all my prior moves, many of those transitions have been just that---a change from one place to another---but I didn’t change.  In other instances, those transitions resulted in transformations of sorts within me.  For multiple reasons, I found myself coming to different realizations about what I wanted, how I preferred to BE in the world, what my real talents were and how I could use those to make a contribution, and what if anything I needed to do to realize those passions.  I’m looking forward to this latest transition that offers an opportunity to transform into the next version of myself---the evolving me that takes more joy in life, especially the small delights of just being with family---meals together, hiking, walking with the dogs, cooking/baking, learning new things, helping out in whatever ways, and grandmothering.  And I’m ready to coach again, after a hiatus occasioned by the pandemic and the untimely death of my dear brother----transition and transformation are challenges and new opportunities I know well! 

So, as the sun shines brightly on this new day, the anxiety of past weeks is replaced by excitement for whatever’s next.  I’m delighted at the thought of just being with my crazy, loud, funny, interesting, busy, wonderful family---celebrating two birthdays in March—Jud’s and Storey’s.  I’m excited to get my stuff and create my space that’s warm and welcoming and homey and functional for all the things I want to do in it---write, cook, bake, garden, listen to music, read, knit, learn to make baskets, get a dog, have lots of family visits, coach, meet new people . . . .   And I’m excited to get to know San Francisco and California---to learn to drive in a big city, to visit special places (Joshua Tree comes first to mind), walk in the natural world that’s so different from the east coast, sit by the Pacific Ocean, eat crab instead of clams (but I DO love fried clams---with the bellies). 

Life is endlessly interesting.  And although I leave the people I care deeply about who enriched my life during this recent chapter, I’m looking forward to discovering what’s next and also to creating that next.

2.22.2022

PANDEMIC--TALKING TO PEOPLE

I wrote this piece several weeks ago but never got around to publishing it.  With the added conclusion of yesterday’s announcement from the CDC, it seems more appropriate to do so now. 

Initially, when this Pandemic was new and everyone was just inundated with trying to get a grip on what it really was,

how dangerous it actually was, how long it was going to be in our lives,

how disruptive it was likely to be, and what measures we could take to do something to protect ourselves,

we were seeing terrible images on television of people dying and their bodies being housed in trailers;

healthcare workers being put in danger due to inadequate protective equipment;

hospitals and cities being overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people who were infected---more and more every day!

Now, many months later, whatever we thought it was or was going to be, it became more persistent and insidious than that---and far more difficult to do away with. 

And it was obvious that we were ALL in this for the long-term, whether we liked it or not. 

It also seemed very clear to me that positive outcomes were more dependent on our behavior---responsible, caring for each other behavior---than anything else. 

As schools and restaurants re-opened recently, and some people chose to forget social distancing and mask-wearing, we saw spikes in infection rates.

And often, the people bearing the brunt of these irresponsible decisions were the frontline healthcare workers---Emergency Workers, Ambulance Workers, all levels of hospital personal who provided care for these individuals; as well as unsuspecting community contacts who could have been unwitting victims of rash decisions.

So, I began talking to people, just trying to get a more solid bead on the temperature in the world of work---how people were feeling with the Novel Coronavirus that was no longer so novel but had become a serious hanger-on. 

What I heard most consistently, and not surprisingly, was that people were tired, frustrated, feeling stagnated. 

But at the same time, these people described themselves as resilient, capable, open-hearted, positive about things, relationship-oriented, creative, deep thinker, caring, fun, hopeful, seek to understand others.

So, while we were all still mired in the rather nasty Coronavirus soup, and people were fearful for their health and that of their families, fearful of losing their jobs or having reduced income or limited prospects, and this situation was definitely hurting them---we shouldn’t count them out yet!! 

There was more gas in their tanks! 

One of the most universal and most hopeful comments I heard was that they missed PEOPLE---COMMUNITY, and sought real connections wherever they could find them.  Zoom was a poor substitute, but they’d gladly take it until real-life returned as an option.

This shouldn’t be a surprise, since social distancing may be good for survival, but it’s hell on thriving. 

And yet, throughout this whole mess, people managed to figure it out over roof tops and across alleys, through windows, and around courtyards, with singing and music, and then---OMG---via the Internet through ZOOM concerts with musicians from all over the world playing compositions in unison—separate/together.

Or watching a group dance together—apart. We are an incredibly creative species and we can choose to fill our spirits in all kinds of ways. And we have and did! 

Check out these examples:

·       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqWQCWc_zCc - True Colors, Camden Voices - Virtual Choir - "It is 28 individual videos, submitted from all over the world, combined into one- a truly international collaboration that shows the power of music in our lives."

·       https://www.vox.com/culture/2020/3/13/21179293/coronavirus-italy-covid19-music-balconies-sing - Italy residents singing together from multiple apartment balconies

·       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dwyd2XQNyg - Pair play tennis between rooftops during coronavirus lockdown in Italy

·       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9qiY4C-urM - Singers from Chicago Children's Choir's Voice of Chicago ensemble come together virtually in this video compilation of "Let's Dance"

The people I’ve talked with spoke about community not just in the sense of how creative people and groups have come together during this very difficult time and fashioned some awesome events to remind us of the importance of experiencing uplifting things. 

They spoke about having learned, during this time, of the value of community to them, something they hadn’t necessarily noted in the depth they now saw it. 

This more solitary time, while neither preferred nor requested, seemed to have afforded them some measure of reward. 

When I asked them what they saw for their future, most saw reconnecting to loved ones---especially if they had been separated due to the Pandemic---and friends as a first priority. 

After that, they all felt some positive change afoot.  

Perhaps they wanted to continue doing what they’d been doing, just with a different attitude---more values-focused, more community-enhanced.

Perhaps they wanted to find ways to engage their creativity more wholly in their work and in their life. 

Perhaps they were re-evaluating their priorities and re-ordering what they chose to focus on for their next few acts---matching actions with values and beliefs more directly.

People that I’ve talked with who have been working in healthcare and education, seem to be the most tired, the most frustrated, the readiest for HUGE changes. 

The healthcare workers, especially those on the front lines, have been under enormous pressure since the very beginning and now many of them are just DONE!

The educators had a significant change to endure in March 2020 when everything closed down and they were laid off or had to figure out how to teach their classes in a different format overnight with very little preparation or support (in general).

Now that schools have opened up again, there is real and/or perceived danger in face-to-face education---and enormous pressure, discussion, and controversy around this issue. 

Parents, teachers, and Administrators as well as Politicians do not all want the same things. 

Students need education; teachers want to teach; everyone wants all to be safe, but not everyone defines safety in the same way. These are continuing to be hard and complicated times.

Many healthcare workers have either already left the workforce or will be doing so soon. 

Many teachers/faculty members are in the process of making the same decisions. 

Both of these professional groups are essential to the ongoing benefit of our economy and our country.

And, as we’ve all heard, women in general, have been disproportionately disadvantaged as they’ve been removed from the workforce as a result of the proliferation of hybrid education models, changing education models based on Covid spikes in various communities, fairly universal lack of childcare, and an economic downturn that continues to put families at risk.

Even so, many of the people I’ve spoken with have been incredibly resilient for this past year---in the face of frightening disruption in the fabric of society, a sense of pervasive fear in the unknown and the unknowable, and the staggering reality of almost one million of our friends, family and fellow citizens who have died as a result of the Pandemic—-974,277 to be exact as of March 27, 2022.

People are and have been resilient, but they’re also tired of having to be.  There’s a strong longing for rest, comfort, soothing, ordinariness—however they describe it. Sitting in the sun and contemplating the grass growing.

Feeling safe.

Feeling family nearby.  Cherishing the simple joy in that.

Having a sense of abundance---not necessarily related to money, but just a feeling that things are working out---it’s going to be OK---there’s enough.

It’s been a hard year but we’re still here and life is moving on.

And now we have, what we’ve all been hoping for, several VACCINES!  We have protection, right?  Thousands of people died of Small Pox until a vaccine was developed in the late 1700’s.  Because of this, the disease was considered to be completely eradicated from the earth in 1980.  People died and/or were paralyzed by the Polio virus until a vaccine was developed in 1955.  Polio was eliminated from the United States in 1979 and from the Western Hemisphere in 1991.  Vaccines work!  There’s REAL hope for us with our current nemesis the Covid-19 virus.  Fear of the unknown and false information are the enemies now, but the status quo is a danger we know and cannot live or thrive with. 

The road ahead is not without surprises—what road is?

The people I’ve spoken with are ready to resume more normal lives, however they define those lives for themselves.  The transition to that state may be bumpy---most transitions are.  But the end result will be more than worth it. 

Since this post was drafted we’ve lived through several spikes of COVID Varients (Delta and Omicron). Others may follow. As long as the very opportunistic virus finds available hosts in whom to thrive, we will continue to be at some risk. But the Vaccines and Boosters have proved to save lives and reduce grave illness and hospitalizations.

Nevertheless-----THIS IS GREAT NEWS AND A VERY HOPEFUL, BEAUTIFUL, SUNNY NEW DAY!!!!!

#healthcare #nurses #teachers #Vaccines #CDC #Pandemic #resiliency #community

Courageous Transitions

For most people, making substantial changes in their lives can be frightening, or at least anxiety-provoking.

There’s no doubt that it takes courage to move from something you know well to something new.

But after this year, when the entire world was thrown into the deep end of the pool virtually overnight, and then had to swim like crazy just to stay afloat ---- whether you welcomed or feared change in the past, you should realize by now that you’ve become an expert at dealing with it successfully.

But choosing to make a change for yourself is entirely different than having it thrust upon you. 

As things are winding down with the pandemic (and I DO believe this is so, even with the virus variants that are popping up), you’re going to find more and more breathing room for reflecting on how your courageous response to the events of the past year has changed you. 

What have you discovered about your tolerance, your persistence, your tenacity, or your resilience?  What’s new in your bag of tricks that allowed you to survive and even gain deeper insights into yourself, your values, your talents, and the gifts you have to share with the world? 

So . . . . what will you DO now with whatever you’ve learned?

·      Return to the life you once had with renewed interest, passion, and optimism?

·      Take some time out of the routine---or perhaps delight in the routine that you might once have found to be mundane---and consider what other/else your everyday could include that would be refreshing, delightful, or surprising?

·      Chuck it all and opt for a MAJOR/TOTAL change in your life?

Whatever you decide, the one thing that’s absolutely true is that none of us, whether we realize it or not, are the same after this experience as we were before it.  We’re forever changed. 

From my little perch, I’ve seen extraordinary heroes who put themselves in harms way to protect and serve others (medical personnel, many educators, everyone who kept the grocery stores running, transportation moving, things and spaces clean, music and community and enjoyment created, and so much more).  And there have been others who were just plain courageous in living day-to-day during this very dangerous and difficult time.  It’s this last group who probably don’t think of themselves as brave, but who surely are and have been. 

Returning to any semblance of normal living will require care, thought, and reason, all applied with caution in mind.  We need to remember that a huge part of our change is that we have been courageous in the face of this terrible virus---and we are therefore capable of showing this same boldness as we pick up the pieces of our lives and move on!

If you need help sorting things out, coaches are great at this---it’s what they do. 

Find one that you feel comfortable with and move forward fearlessly into your new one precious life.

If something I’ve written resonates with you and it seems that I could be of service to you, contact me and we can chat about what you’re thinking.

Becoming a Better Ancestor

For the past 4 months or so, I’ve been reading books on the subject of Anti-racism.  After George Floyd’s murder, I was as horrified as most other people but discovered that I really had only a superficial understanding of the underlying truths of racism---and particularly systemic racism---in this country.  As an older white woman, I’d had a strong reaction to all the racism and brutal oppression that I was witnessing in the US throughout the summer---all the violence against people of color; all the police brutality that had existed since this country was founded and was now being broadcast on television every night.  I wanted to learn more about the core issues of white supremacy---how I was perpetuating that, even if unknowingly? ---and what else I needed to understand about myself in relation to these issues and then, what I could do to change and perhaps make a difference if only in my small sphere?

I began by reading Ibram X. Kendi’s book ‘How to be an Anti-Racist’.  I had heard the calls of Black folk who were tired of educating white people about racism---so I knew I needed to become my own teacher.  Fortunately for me, there is a rich number of books related to this subject clearly available to me right now.  There probably always were---but I am managing to find them now.

Kendi’s book was helpful to me in many ways, but mostly because his own journey through to anti-racism was visible throughout it.  He needed to struggle with himself---and clearly made great progress.  Simultaneous with my reading and talking with other like-minded people, and the focus on Kendi’s thinking, I started reading other works as well.  For a deeply researched and eye-opening work, Isabel Wilkerson’s book ‘Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents’ is beautifully written and staggeringly informative---bringing light to my own darkness about how our nation’s shameful history is woven into the very fabric of our thinking and acting today, whether or not we are aware of it or believe it to be true.  Robin DiAngelo’s book ‘White Fragility: Why it’s So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism’ was an eye-opener to me, especially as it highlighted the subtle (and not so subtle) ways in which I could readily, confidently, and safely show up in the world in places and situations that would, at the very least, cause people of color to think twice or, more than likely, avoid altogether. That reality had never entered my consciousness. As a Registered Nurse, I had worked with colleagues of all ethnic, racial, social, and cultural backgrounds.  When I worked in North Carolina, Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico I was acutely aware of the various cultural mores that prevailed and made equity difficult to create or maintain.  But I wasn’t conscious of how I might have participated in treating people I knew and worked with who were African American, Hispanic or Native American in ways that were disrespectful or that might have reinforced the locally expected stereotypical behavior.  That was a long time ago, but with current insight, more experience, and deeper reflection, it’s causing me to wonder.

I can’t undo what I probably did wrong many years ago, but I can and am working to better understand the many ways in which I may still be giving offense or acting through the familiarity of power dynamics just because I am a white person---and learn NOT TO DO IT.  The current book I’m reading is Layla Saad’s ‘Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor’.  There’s more than reading and discussing to be done with this book.  There’s work ---compelling participants to face their own behavior and identify ways to alter and improve.  This takes it beyond the safe realm of casual or even in-depth reading and into the area of honesty.

I need to be accountable to myself to face myself---to genuinely see and deeply absorb what this work has to teach me.  I suspect it will be profound.

My grandchildren deserve this kind of ancestor and, even though it’s late in the game, I’m committed to learning how to become a better one than I am now.

Stating this openly is part of recognizing and acknowledging this pledge I make to myself and my descendants. 

I am also working with a group of like-minded people of a similar age who share our personal insights by way of holding ourselves accountable for honesty to ourselves as we learn and face these important and challenging issues.

Atlanta Shooting of Asian Women

I am heartsick!. . . facing yet another example of hatred and violence perpetrated against women. Whether or not the vicious acts that took place in Atlanta, Georgia rises to a legal definition of hate crimes, it is obvious that a specific ethnic group, Asian women, was targeted. 

When hate is allowed to prosper, how can any of us be surprised at what it produces?

But who are the producers?

We can all lay blame at the feet of those who proudly and loudly sanction hate, who prosper from it, who play off others’ fears and insecurities to provoke more hate. 

We can point fingers at people who prefer to highlight differences to create hierarchies—better and lesser; higher and lower; good and bad; superior and inferior; white and black; white and everyone else; able-bodied and disabled; male and female; binary and non-binary.   

We can name the names of people we hold responsible for creating an atmosphere in which hate can thrive---but that rarified air would also need to be written with our names—-unless we had worked diligently to thwart the creation and proliferation of the hate. 

If we let it slide by us---let it go on without a challenge---let it continue without rising up to halt it or call it out or write/speak/march against it, we’ve enabled it. 

Women have always been easy targets for cowards. Atlanta is just the latest example, surrounded by Syria, Afghanistan, China, Myanmar, India, and other states in the US. Women are killed by their loving partners worldwide, as well as by wars, famine, suffocating, or outright murderous cultural traditions. 

Whether or not we are ‘othered’, it’s dangerous to be female on this planet.

And it’s doubly dangerous to be other than white on this planet, regardless of gender.

We collect statistics on increasing incidences of hatred, violence, bigotry, discrimination, misogyny, xenophobia, and any other terms we use to calculate the flourishing of the malignant atmosphere that has gripped the United States and many other countries most recently. But numbers alone will not change minds or behavior---standing up, speaking out, being counted in a positive way---we all have a role to play here!

Hatred and vile acts cannot be allowed to win!

What can/ what will each of us do?

I’d be interested to hear your thoughts . . . .

Gathering

As I meditated this morning, with the sun glancing off the frost on the grass announcing that winter was soon to be on us in full force, the word ‘gathering’ kept appearing before my eyes.

During this ‘one-of-a-kind year----we can always hope---the concept of gathering for the holidays for many people will, no doubt, look very different than it has in other years. Gathering is usually something done with friends and family; something that we anticipate with joy, prepare for with delight, and remember fondly. This year, it’s apt to be something that we might approach with more fear than delight, since it is something that can hold danger for us, or for the people we care about the most.

So, I wonder if gathering can take on a different connotation this year---rather than bringing people we love together, if we think of it as a time to gather to ourselves. To bring IN to ourselves----thoughts, ideas, musings, perhaps some long-forgotten memories, feelings. Yes, I know, we’ve had many months to gather in---but I’m speaking of some intentional gathering in. The kind that also comes with gentle holding, embracing of what we gather---of whatever thoughts or insights we discover. Despite this terrible, awful, no good, very bad year---I, for one have much to be thankful for.

I have a wonderful and loving Partner who has made this time more than tolerable. It was never going to be fun, but we’ve managed to laugh at lots of things, AND we’ve also painted a few rooms, re-arranged a bunch of stuff that were sorely in need of our attention, and like everyone else, we’ve cooked and baked and tried new foods and had fun with that. We’ve also made friends with zoom---it’s a tenuous friendship when it involves meetings, I’ll admit; but when it involves a play or interesting webinar or something like that, we’re delighted and thankful for it.

I have 2 sons and their families who live on the west coast---that I haven’t seen in almost 1 year. I miss them terribly, but they’re all doing well. We can FaceTime and text and keep in touch that way. It’s not enough, but it’s better than nothing.

My friends are doing OK too. Sometimes we do cocktail time via FaceTime or zoom---not a bad thing either. We often talk about what we’ll do the next time we actually get together---that feels good.

And we will get through this! We will do what we need to do to keep ourselves and each other safe and we will make it through. And then we will gather together our newfound insights and strengths and our freshly hatched survival skills, and with more tenacity than we thought we possessed we’ll face the new days with optimism, humor, and grace.

Tao Te Ching - Translation

Today I just picked up this book and randomly selected one of the translations, #8.

The highest good is like water.

Water gives life to the ten thousand things and does not strive.

It flows in places men reject and so is like the Tao.

In dwelling, be close to the land.

In meditation, go deep in the heart.

In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.

In speech, be true.

In ruling, be just.

In business, be competent.

In action, watch the timing.

No fight: no blame.

The metaphor for the Tao is water since it comes in many forms—mist and rain, underground wells, rivulets, waterfalls, eddies in whitewater, rivers, lakes, and the oceans. The Tao is also called “the Way”, and is infinitely compassionate, supporting and nurturing. It cautions us not to blame ourselves or others for our wounds. For the Taoist, nature and spirit are inseparable. The “Way” is the forever harmony of heaven, the human and the earth that is always renewed yet inexhaustible.

This felt like a relevant and serendipitous thought for today.

Perhaps it’s also telling us to remember the gentle admonition to ‘go with the flow’---not try so hard, not force things, be open to possibilities rather than deciding what must be and insisting on a certain outcome. Sometimes when you’re looking for the exact right turn, you miss the best road just ahead.

A Gift from Marge Piercy

As you may have noticed, Marge Piercy is a poet that always speaks to my heart. Today, after I meditated and journaled, I casually opened one of her poetry books---it’s all dog-eared and underlined and highlighted and much loved. But one poem stood out for me, and I want to share just a few lines as they especially struck me on this day. These are lines from The Seven Pentacles:

Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.

Live a life you can endure: make love that is loving.

Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,

a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us

interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.

Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:

reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.

This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,

for every gardener knows that after the digging, after the planting,

after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.

Anxiously Awaiting

“Anxiously Awaiting”—these words came to me in meditation today (November 4, 2020). There’s no declared winner in the Presidential Election at this time. Ballots by the millions are still being counted in several states. Apparently, the House remains in Democratic control, although seats have been lost to Republicans. It also appears that the Senate will remain in Republican control.

So, this state of awaiting anxiously, in this instance, refers to what others will need to do. Secretaries of State and people in charge of the ballot counting---volunteers throughout the nation who are all involved in this huge task. But I also thought about it more in terms of what I would do---or any single person---not exclusively related to this hugely important situation at hand.

The process of anxiously awaiting could happen in the very second before a writer’s pen touches the paper; before a diver pushes off the platform toward the water below; before a soprano releases that first gush of air that becomes that most glorious High C; before Phillippe Petit places his weight on the taut wire high above the busy street below; before a hang glider drops off the peak into thin air; before a conductor somehow manages to create the magic of the entire orchestra hitting that first note in perfect unison.

Anxiously awaiting isn’t a passive activity, even if it appears to be. It’s one loaded with promise, expectation, intensity, and awareness all brought to bare on one thing---one moment---that will gather all senses, all attention, all experience, all preparation for the purpose of starting something important---something challenging---something that has seemed beyond our ability or comfort zone or just beyond.

In terms of this Presidential election, we’ve already done our part---we’ve voted. It seems that more of us have voted in this election than in many other years---and that’s great. But now all we can do is wait---which is in itself anxiety provoking.

But if we choose to challenge ourselves beyond the ballot box, we could continue some of the conversations we’ve probably been engaged in recently around racism, white supremacy, inclusion, equity especially in access to health care, housing, child care, education, jobs. We could remain engaged or get engaged with people who don’t look like us. We could just start in our neighborhood, our community---to turn our anxiety into action.

Shel Silverstein - Hug O' War

Today is Election Day---a day many of us thought might never come since it’s seemed like the campaign season would last forever. But’s it’s over now and we’ll see the result in due time.

Many people have voted Absentee or Early---Many People. But I live in a tiny village in Western Massachusetts, and I’m heading to my polling place in a few minutes to cast my paper ballot that will be rolled into the wooden ballot box that’s been used in my village for over 100 years. This ritual just feels solid to me and honest and true. And I love it!

With all the rancor that’s been going on during this campaign---and for the past several years, actually, I find comfort in these simple things that I can depend on. Simple things like the garden, and the farmer’s cows across the street, and the horses in the paddock, the fall leaves and even the much too early snow fall.

I also find great comfort in poetry, and today I’m letting one of my favorite poets, Shel Silverstein, cover me with his gentle words. I hope this soothes you too.

HUG O’ WAR

I will not play at tug o’ war.

I’d rather play at hug o’ war,

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs

Where everyone giggles

And rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses

And everyone grins,

And everyone cuddles,

And everyone wins.

AR Ammons - Dominion

I said

Mr Schaefer

Did you get up to see the comet:

and:

he said

Oh no

Let it go by. I don’t care:

he has leaves to rake

and the

plunger on his washing machine isn’t working right:

he’s not amused

by ten-million-mile tails

or any million-mile-an-hour

universal swoosh

or

frozen gases

lit by disturbances

across our

solar arcs.

Disinterested, disconnected, inwardness, unaware----how very sad! He takes pains with small things of no matter while he misses the huge consequential events of life.

Spring Forward and Fall Back

Last night most of the country turned back their clocks from Daylight Savings Time to Regular Time.  But turning back our clocks was an artifact of the clock---we didn’t actually get an additional hour in our lives, even though most of us think that’s what ‘Spring Forward and Fall Back’ suggests. 

The idea of ‘saving time’ is an illusion.  We can’t save time.  We can

spend it,

take it,

use it,

fill it,

even serve it.

But we can’t actually save it---once a minute is gone, it’s gone forever and we can’t retrieve it to use again.  Not ever.

But we can surely waste time---fritter it away.  That’s entirely up to us.  

However, looking productive to some observer isn’t the same as actually filling time productively.  It’s entirely possible for a person to look like they’re just killing time, lazing about or taking a leisurely walk, when what they’re really doing is absorbing their surroundings and without they’re knowing it, allowing some creative soup to be made of prior thoughts, past experiences, snippets of conversations that jump started some hardly realized thinking, and the scents in the air that day/the feel of the sun through the window/and the sudden desire for a hot fudge sundae with pistachio ice cream.  Who knows what new story, invention, song, dance, game, or other completely unusual something could be the result of allowing/welcoming time like this?  Taking time to read to children, or do puzzles with a friend, or enjoy a knitting group can also seem trivial---but it’s a way to enjoy community and relationships.  It’s giving our time and sharing time and enjoying time with others. 

Since time can’t be saved, it makes sense to spend it as often as we can in ways that fill our spirit and puts goodness into the world.

I like to knit.  I particularly like it because it’s the making of a garment one stitch at a time.  And if I’m making that garment for someone else, like my granddaughter, for example, I have the pure delight of thinking about her as the yarn moves through my fingers, as I hear the specific sound of the needles creating the garment. If I’m working with particular yarn, there may be a unique scent to it, which just adds to my sweet experience.  But mostly, it’s just each stitch---the one-at-a-timeness of the project that I love.  And it really can’t be rushed---each stitch creates the pattern which completes the garment.  So, I get to spend time doing something enjoyable with my hands, while I think about the person I’m intending to give the finished product to, and I also get to drift away with other thoughts, ideas, musings.  For me, this is often time that becomes rich in sensation and solitary pleasure.

Other people must have similar experiences when they engage in activities that both fill and fulfill their time.  Painting, writing, gardening, cooking, making bread, singing, wood working, many others. 

Especially during this pandemic, have you discovered new ways to spend your time that brings you joy or that surprises you?  Have you discovered talents or interests that have been long buried or forgotten or never discovered before---and now have time to flourish?

Nobody would have wanted this terrible pandemic, but has the unencumbered time allowed you to learn some important things about yourself and/or your life?

What will you do with that new insight?

Word #4: Visualize

Here is my word for March 23, 2020: VISUALIZE

Your thoughts can become your reality.

Dream it and you can make it so.

Build it and they will come.

You’ve got to see it to believe it OR You’ve got to believe it before you can see it.

 Do you know this?  Do you feel this?  Can you see this?

This word has everything to do with trusting that space within yourself that just knows . . . that feels strongly that what you want to do or become or be is right. 

So, how do people get to a place where they can feel confident that they ‘just know’?  How can they trust themselves to be sure?

Not everyone builds a baseball field on their corn piece for ghostly baseball players---but that certainly was one powerful notion that became a reality (of sorts). 

For the most part, listening to ourselves so we can trust what we’re hearing comes from learning to get peaceful---quiet---and settled in that space. 

It comes from removing the distractions of our daily lives---for a time---and learning to focus on our breathing---just that.  Nothing more magical than that needs to happen. 

It takes redesigning some of our habits to make room for some quiet---to make space for peace---to make time for paying attention.  Uninterrupted time is a gift we can choose to give ourselves each day that will help open us up to the possibility of deeper knowing.

And with that knowing, we can visualize what we want---we can see where our heart wants to change---we can feel how things could be different—we can find the courage to create that change.

If we can visualize something that our heart desires that comes from our deep knowing, it is just possible that was can make it happen.

“To accomplish great things we must first dream, then visualize, then plan...believe...act!” (1)

Alfred A. Montapert Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS 4 LLC, 2020. Web. 4 Feb. 2020. <https://www.quotes.net/authors/Alfred+A.+Montapert+Quotes>.

Word #3: Discriminate

Here is my word for today February 4, 2020: DISCRIMINATE

The simple dictionary definition of this word is “to recognize a distinction; to differentiate”---that sounds innocent enough.  But, the next phrase is “to make a distinction in favor of or against a person or thing on the basis of the group, class, or category to which the person or thing belongs rather than according to actual merit”---this has a more potentially disquieting characterization.

So this causes me to have wildly random thoughts that I’m just going to riff on here: we all come to situations with our own perspectives and our worldview based on a compilation of our learned assumptions, our lived experiences, our natural tendencies, our past history, and many other things that just managed to seep into our conscious and unconscious mind.  So, with all that baggage, how can we bring ‘new eyes’ and an open mind to situations, especially those that might be fraught with tension or angst for us?  How can we even begin to understand where some of that tension and angst comes from if we’ve never actually learned to name our feelings, but rather to gloss over them with food or exercise or negative thoughts about ourselves or others? 

Being able to discriminate between/among things, activities, thoughts that are good for you and those that aren’t useful is extremely beneficial—in fact, it can be life-enhancing:

• Between people who add joy to your life and those who bring anger, unhappiness, frequent conflict;

• Between work that you find fulfilling and satisfying rather than that which does not engage your positive energy;

• Between thoughts that enhance your feelings of self-worth and positive growth and those that denigrate and bring you down;

• Between activities that reinforce your learning, growth, and contribution and those that emphasize remaining stuck and mired in negative emotions.

It’s very important to be able to make decisions about whatever changes you’re thinking of based on real information that you can then actually evaluate---that is, discriminate---weigh carefully against other information, look at through various lenses, such as how it fits for multiple aspects of your life---personal, professional, relational, spiritual, educational, etc.

What are the categories in your life through which you can effectively discriminate your decisions?

Word #2: Conclude

Here is my word for January 29, 2020: CONCLUDE

This is an action that I often think we may arrive at impulsively.  Unless we find ourselves in an emergency situation, a real emergency, there is time for careful consideration before we conclude our thinking. 

The really hard work is the figuring out—the thinking through and analyzing or, better still, synthesizing information from multiple sources---even from seemingly disparate sources as we try to keep our unconscious biases in check.  IF we take the time and effort to go through this kind of detailed exercise, then what we conclude in the end may well have some real merit.

However, if what we do is look at a situation and make a snap decision, rush to a rapid judgment, then it’s very likely we won’t have fully considered the relevant inputs, as well as the possible consequences---intended and unintended.  If that’s the case, then we may well fall into the trap described by Sherlock Holmes, Master Sleuth, when he said: “The temptation to form premature theories upon insufficient data is the bane of our profession.”

Robert Frost - Dust of Snow

Robert Frost was an American poet, born in 1874, who grew up in New England, traveled to old England where he honed his poetry craft and received support and encouragement from Ezra Pound. When he and his wife returned to the United States in 1915, he had already established himself as a notable poet and was soon to become the most celebrated poet in America.  Despite his fame, four Pulitzer Prizes and a Congressional Gold Medal, he lived a rather quiet life in the bucolic New England countryside.  His poetry is noted for its impression of simplicity that often has a meditative quality that can convey an element of surprise as a suggestion of something else/more/deeper is left with the reader---if they choose to perceive it. Stopping by Woods on a Snowing Evening is one of his poems that highlights this style and a poem that you would likely be very familiar with.  The surprise change is evident in the poem I’ve included here---not hard to see, and not as familiar as the one I just mentioned.

DUST OF SNOW

The way a crow

Shook down on me

The dust of snow

From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart

A change of mood

And saved some part

Of a day I rued.

For me, poetry can usually change my mood to feeling delighted if I’m a bit down. The genius of the poet is to touch our spirit—and bestow on us their gifts.

Word #1: Breakdown

My first thought with this word has to do with that sinking feeling when something goes wrong with my car or my computer.  There’s a breakdown of some sort that makes me furious because I’m completely out of my element with it---don’t have a clue what to do—-but I’m up a creek without both of these things----so I feel helpless and completely at the mercy of someone else.  And I really hate that feeling! Now it’s obvious that after I fume a bit, I’ll do the only thing I can do---call an expert. I’ll call AAA for the car (presuming my cell phone has service wherever I am when this delightful event occurs), or I’ll call my trusty computer guy.  Whatever is wrong with either my car or my computer will eventually be fixed---for a price, naturally; but I’ll be out of commission for a while. I won’t have the car while it’s in the shop---same with the computer. So, I’ll need to figure something to do for a backup during my breakdown.  No matter how helpful my friends and/or family are in this situation, it’s an inconvenience for me and them---and that drives me nuts! While I never mind helping other people out when they’re in a jam, I really don’t want to depend on others when the tables are turned. But I’ll accept the help gracefully, and be very thankful for it---and just hope the breakdown doesn’t mean I need to buy a new car or new computer---THAT would really be a pain!  

But, now that I think about it---and am getting over my initial reaction about cars and computers going kaput unexpectedly, another connotation for ‘breakdown’ comes to mind.  And that’s what the mechanic and computer guy will be doing to figure out what’s wrong with my car or computer. They will be taking things apart—actually doing that or analyzing how the parts are working together (which is a form of taking things apart), to perform their assessment.  

That gets me closer to the world I live in---thinking about doing analyzing, evaluating, assessing, figuring things out, using intuition (which I hope my car or computer guys are not doing!).  But perhaps there will be some of that intuition at play for them too---they’ll be using all their senses to figure out what’s wrong---listening, seeing, feeling, using past experience to bring to my particular problem.  

When I’m coaching, what I do most of all is listen.  And I help people listen to themselves so they can break down for themselves the things that are causing them stress, are barriers to their moving forward, are the challenges that feel insurmountable.  Sometimes, when my computer decides to do something funky and I call my computer guy, he can tell by my description of what’s happened that there’s a simple solution so I just push this button and change that setting and—bingo—all fixed.  

Our challenges aren’t usually so easy, but there’s still a similarity.  I have talents in many areas, but fixing computers that are on the fritz is definitely not one of them.  When I’ve reached a place in my life where I’ve felt like I was moving in circles, telling myself negative stories, feeling overwhelmed by circumstances and unable to see a way out---I’ve needed to find someone who could help me break down the challenges into smaller pieces to see where there’s space for change, a different perspective, a new outlook.  We can all learn to break down the insurmountable so we can build up a better plan to reach our desired goal.

Words . . . Words . . . Words

I’ve committed myself to writing something on no particular subject whenever the spirit moves me. The prompt for myself will be some random word or thought or just some off-the-wall idea that pops into my mind. I like this kind of exercise and, of course, I enjoy writing. Clearly, I’m a wordy writer as well, so it gives me license to be as expansive as I choose, and perhaps even manage to say something that might actually resonate with someone. We’ll see how it goes . . . .

Mary Oliver - The Journey

Mary Oliver was an American poet who won both the National Book Award and the Pulitzer Prize for poetry.  She died in January 2019 at the age of 83.  She wrote mainly of nature and the natural world, so the poem I’ve chosen here is a bit unusual for her typical style.  It is, however, not abnormal for her commentary.  She was described as a plain-spoken Midwestern woman who is quoted as having said “tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” and “Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?”  Those are not the thoughts of a quiet, simply observant person.  Those are the musings of someone who is an active participant.  How would we answer her?  Something to reflect on.

When thinking about her own death, she naturally wrote a poem, which includes these lines:

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder

if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,

or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

As we move into Autumn, my favorite season of the year, the poem I’ve selected for this month is about a transition, a migration---and it seems it’s one that has been hard fought.  So, I say it deserves a celebration!  Many of us have wrestled with our particular dragons and have fought hard to become the person we know we can be; the person we truly want to be.  But it’s so comfortable to slip back into that familiar although not self-affirming place.  But when we finally get to “know what we have to do” and really DO IT----that’s a very special day for a celebration.  I hope you take away something valuable from Mary Oliver’s poem, or perhaps see something special in her comments or find something in her life that speaks to you.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.